The story is called the Perfect Husband, it was sent to me via e-mail, and I got a good laugh out of it.
The Perfect Husband
The story of how one women wishes she got anything but
Every woman’s wish is to find the ‘Perfect’ husband right? If you ever did get a PERFECT husband like I did, you would regret it. Why? Once you read the rest of this story you’ll know.
One morning I was in the kitchen, cooking. I hear the door to our room creak open, and I watch my ‘perfect’ husband Dan come out.
"Do you want me to help cook?" he asks me this every morning.
"No, I’m fine, the food is almost ready anyway." I quickly say, he gave me a smirk. Last time he cooked the fire department showed up, not kidding.
"Alright then." he said sitting down. This usually means I have to let him cook dinner, all we have for dinner is salad, if he ever burnt that I think he’d make a record. He got up and filled a bottle of water for our ‘Baby’ Fred. Fred is a Python,
The story of how we got Fred is just as odd as how weird looking he is, and as much of a mistake as Dan burning breakfast and asking whats wrong with it.
We were at a mall, and the mall was right next to a reptile store (Who does that when building?), I was picking
out a dress for Dan’s Job party. He got a promotion, so we went out to buy some new clothes for the party
(He has been planning for this promotion forever) and I found the most gorgeous purple dress, with white
beaded laces over the color, and I decided that it would go perfect with a white Boa (The fluffy kind, not the scaly kind), as I was looking for my wallet to buy the dress, I asked Dan if he could find a white Boa to go with the dress.
Be aware that I wasn’t looking at the direction he went after I asked him to find the Boa, he headed out the door,
If I saw him, I would have stopped him and asked where he was going. So twenty minutes later, I find the
perfect pair of shoes, and I see Dan come rushing over to me (No, I didn’t notice he came from the front door)
saying he found the perfect Boa. I asked where it was, and he said he put it in the car. Nothing came over me as we walked out. As we are driving home (Its a hour ride from the mall to our house), he decided to tell me as we are halfway there that he couldn’t find a white Boa.
"What color did you get then?" I asked him looking at the receipt of the store.
"Brown." I got a disgusted face.
"Brown goes horrible with purple, why’d you get brown?" I asked him looking through my purse.
Before he could answer I looked over to see a receipt of Reptile Planet, and on it it said
Python, I didn’t dare look at the price. My eyes grew wide as we pulled into the house.
"I said Boa! Not Python!" I shouted as I slapped him with the receipt. He got a worried face, he didn’t know I meant
Fluffy Boa, but as they say, if we couldn’t laugh we’d all go insane, so I began cracking up, putting myself in my
own shoes, acting like I had just saw this on TV, and that it wasn’t me. Dan looked at me oddly, how can I go from
slapping him with a receipt to laughing like an idiot? Simple, put yourself in my shoes, I was taught this in Laughing Yoga,
Which really helped keep my stress levels down, that is where I met Dan.
And that is how we got Fred, a five foot escaping machine, and whenever its time for him to eat, I stay at a hotel across the street. But it isn’t as bad as when I have company over.
It was a year after we got Fred, and we where having some company over, my sister Becky, her son Matt,
and Dan’s uncle and aunt Grace and Trevor. As I opened the door to let them in, I saw Matt with a Jurassic
Park toy, and he comes running in roaring, he’s only six. Trevor and Grace sat down in separate chairs, I knew
something happened, Grace wouldn’t talk to Trevor, and in that reason, Trevor refused to talk at all in less
someone talked to him. Matt went straight over to Fred’s cage, and I brought out some finger foods.
Becky started talking right away about her favorite show, LOST. Which whenever she talked about it, we got lost.
As Becky chatted, I tried to pretend like I knew what she was talking about. Grace watches the show too, so we
began a Lost talk. Dan was out getting some beer so he and Trevor could watch some football. As Matt began
banging on Fred’s cage, I asked him to stop. He pointed to the cage and said with a whimper,
"But Fred is…" Becky stopped him.
"Matt, you know you never bother me when I’m talking about LOST." she said seriously. Matt looked down.
As we continued our Lost talk, Matt continually tried to tell us that he saw something, I decided to ask what he saw.
"There is a tail underneath the sofa!" he yelled pointing. Becky looked under her feet, right where the ‘tail’ was.
I looked and Grace looked too. Grace Becky and I jumped onto our seats, shoes and all, as Matt sat there staring.
Trevor had fell asleep, no help to us, and Dan was still out. Becky looked over her shoulder, and screamed
The story cut off, sorry.
and Dan was still out. Becky looked over her shoulder, and screamed and jumped onto the floor. I did the same, and Grace hugged onto her chair for dear life, as we saw Fred’s head,
nothing else but his head, on the head of the sofa, starring at us.
"He was there the entire time?" Grace asked, she was clearly to into Lost to care about her surroundings. Just as Fred began moving onto the seat of the sofa, Dan walked in, and dropped the two boxes of beer he was carrying. He rushed to Fred, and tried to get him back in the cage.
After three hours, Fred was in the cage, the beer was cleaned up, our LOST talk was lost and we had all had enough adventure for a lifetime. All I know for sure is that when a kid say’s they see something under or on top of the sofa your sitting on, its best to ask what they see.
All and all, Dan is a good husband, and even though he has a few snitches, he’s still a not so ‘perfect’ husband, and I’m fine with that.
Licia Rentel, the wife of the perfect husband
Wed, Mar 10, 2010
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